To give something that brings pleasure to both is at least selfish.
If you’ve ever browsed the collections of possible Valentine’s Day gifts or read forum posts, you’ve probably found sex among the ideas. Girls often use this option. For example, buy yourself beautiful underwear, tie a bow on yourself and go to bed with your lover. Sometimes they also offer to show imagination and fulfill some desire of the partner, which the couple did not dare to do before. Or give coupons for sexual practices. However, over the years, guys have also been advised to use sex as a gift, but usually in an extended care package – with dinner and all that.
In general, sex is a good thing, and it is very logical to have it on Valentine’s Day. But if you consider this a gift, there are some nuances, and not the most pleasant ones.
Sex is a gift of dubious value
Take a bouquet of flowers or a radio-controlled car. They may like it, they may not like it, that’s all. The value of sex as a gift is too variable. For starters: the couple occasionally does this. Why yesterday it was just sex, and today a present? Even if beautiful underwear or other things are used. Moreover, if the day was pleasant, everyone is full of energy and playfully tuned, there will still be intimacy.
Sex is also something that ideally happens to the pleasure of all participants in the process and according to the general desire. That is, if everyone likes to make love, then there is no gift element in it, a person goes to bed or another place for his pleasure. If the giver of sex does not like it too much and does not really want it, but steps over himself, this is even worse. Few people are pleased if they condescend to communicate with him, if his caresses are tolerated. And such an approach to business is usually noticeable to a partner with non-zero empathy.
If for some reason you don’t feel like or can’t buy a gift, you can make the day special in other ways. And then end the evening with sex. Or not – it’s up to you.
You may not want sex . But a gift binds both the giver and the recipient.
Imagine that the girl decided to present such a present. But by the evening she was tired, she had a toothache, and she was worried about tomorrow’s meeting. She doesn’t feel like it anymore, but it seems like it should, she planned everything. Or maybe she is ready, but the guy has an important meeting tomorrow, and he is not in the mood at all. But they give him a present. Not everyone has the courage to say, “Honey, I really appreciate your efforts, but let’s not today.” And not everyone can accept it and not feel rejected.
If intercourse takes place in such a situation, it will not turn into violence, because everything seems to happen by voluntary consent. But there will be an element of sacrifice. And that’s not what people usually expect. Few people think in the process: “Wow, the partner is ready to endure sex with me, how great!”
With coupons for sexual practices, it could be even worse. Because they can be presented for execution at any time. And this is not mopping or something else routine, which is quite easy to do without desire.
Gift sex can be disappointing
Sex can be unsuccessful: in the process, the leg cramped, the noise from behind the wall spoiled the mood, the partner did not have an erection – anything can happen. Usually this is an excuse to shrug your shoulders and move on with your life. But when intimacy is perceived as a gift, high expectations are placed on it. It must be a fairy tale! If for some reason it is not there, then one or both partners may be upset, which will ruin the holiday. So it is better to choose a more stable present.
And that is why, also as a gift, you should not fulfill someone else’s sexual fantasy and experiment on yourself. We have already written how to bring new practices to bed. This is a gradual process, negotiations are important, the participants must be ready to stop everything at any moment.
And they must also understand that someone may not like the result. Because in porn and in the head everything looks great. Yes, and friends can talk about some techniques with delight. But people are different. In fact, even a light spanking to the receiving partner can be unpleasant. In an ideal world, lovers would stop there and have regular sex. And in the real, most likely, both will be suppressed. If we are talking about something more complex like a threesome, the consequences can be jealousy, trust issues, and even separation. New practices require a serious attitude, so you should not succumb to the charm of the holiday here.
It reinforces stereotypes
In a patriarchal world, sex is one of the few resources concentrated in the hands of a woman. And this does not mean at all that she can do it for pleasure and with great desire. Who is wasting this value? She is encouraged, her absence is punished. From which it follows that sex can be bought, earned, deserved. And the partner in exchange for this “gives” or not.
Both sexes suffer from this state of affairs . A woman is denied the right to have sex when and how much she wants. On the one hand, it is assumed that she cannot be sexually active just like that – obviously she is waiting for something for this. On the other hand, it is condemned, as it reduces the “price” of the resource if it leads a diverse sexual life. This approach also, in principle, deprives a woman of the right to want or not want a relationship with someone: men begin to think that it’s only a matter of price.
Those who believe that sex with any woman can be achieved are also captivated by delusions. Although if men accepted that this particular lady doesn’t want them just like that, and not because they didn’t try hard enough, it would be easier to accept rejection. And go in search of someone with whom you can embark on a delightful bed adventure by mutual agreement.
So it’s better not to feed stereotypes and not to give sex, but just to do it. And ideas for great gifts can be found in Lifehacker’s materials.